Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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