DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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