Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
