Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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