I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
