So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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