You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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