She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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