On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
