1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
