And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
