I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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