What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
