So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
