the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
