dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
