I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
