Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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