I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
