If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just want to make out with him forever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
