Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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