Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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