I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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