i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
