Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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