I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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