I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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