My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
