drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
