wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
