Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
