we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
