i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
