So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
