Whod you bang
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
