I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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