I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
