We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
