careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
