I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
