turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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