i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
