when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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