If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
