So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
