The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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