Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
