We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
