Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
