he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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